I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
