I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
