im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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