i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
