You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
