shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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