clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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