How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
