At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She needs sedatives and a leash
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
