Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize