I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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