The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
