I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
