sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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