A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
