On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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