rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
