does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
