sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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