I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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