Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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