The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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