Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
