honey bunches of taint.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
