It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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