Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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