I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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