wanna go halves on a baby?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
