Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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