I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize