She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
