I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Success! We fucked roommates!
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