life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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