Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
