White coat. Heels.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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