Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
