he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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