The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
