She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
