I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
