A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
