I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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