Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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