I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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