my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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