i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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