Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
