3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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