My room smells like vodka and shame
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Randomize
