I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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