I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
