got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
