got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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