So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I stole a fireplace last night.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
