I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
