note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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