Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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